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I knew when he said “that kind of guy” what he was really saying was “flamboyant and effeminate gay guy.” He was spewing internalized homophobia, emasculating me, and effectively invalidating trans, gender nonconforming, and queer people.
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I was disgusted by his crude comment and the implications behind it. It reminded me of just how painful it is to be completely rejected for something as insignificant as nail polish, and how deeply entrenched our notions of toxic masculinity and gender structures have become. The experience reinforced the reality of what it’s like to do something outside of our toxic gender norms. The kids pointed and quietly snickered, and my heart sunk as I heard my mentee’s friend say “I thought you asked for a guy mentor.” In that moment, I wasn’t a confident guy who happened to have his nails painted - I was some sort of gender non-conforming “freak” to them. When I showed up I discovered this wasn’t going to be the positive, eye-opening experience I was hoping for. She told me that it could be a potential positive learning opportunity for him. Before our first session, I considered removing my nail polish because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable, but my friend reassured me to keep them. The first time was when I met my mentee, a 13-year-old boy from Chelsea. There have been times when I have felt ashamed and embarrassed enough to want to wipe them clean. I have to be honest, however, and say that the experience hasn’t been entirely pleasant. Any person who has problems with my nails is not a person I want in my life. My nails helped me discover that I don’t want or need validation and acceptance from people who will only accept me on conditional terms. Showing off my nails was like telling the world, “I don’t need you to like me to like myself.” It led to this realization that how you perceive yourself is more important than how others do, and that you have the power to ignore, reject, and rise above the negativity and self-loathing others throw at you. Of course I received the odd stare or off-hand comment, but they didn’t affect me nearly as much as I had expected, and as time went by I actually found myself feeling more confident because I felt like I was taking ownership and pride in myself. People on the street smiled at me upon seeing them, and friends didn’t bat an eye at my decision. Coworkers appreciated them and told me how much they looked forward to every new color. So in the beginning I hid my nails whenever I passed by someone whom I thought would judge them, but to my surprise, more people than not complimented them. I’m incredibly self-conscious, and I’ve always refrained from doing anything that would garner negative attention. At first, I was nervous about what strangers would think of my nails.